For a long time, I've known what my anger trigger is: control. When somebody is trying to control me in some way, or exert their authority over me, I get quite pissed off. My father was very controlling, and my childhood was spent under his authoritarian thumb.
Even though I'm an adult now, and have control over my own life, when someone tries to tell me what to do, my limbic brain kicks into panic mode. All it hears is "Daddy" giving me an order. And it reacts. Boy, does it react! Even if the person is someone who cares about me, and is trying to give me loving advice, I bristle. And I get mad.
This all sounds pretty simple, but it took me an astoundingly long time (years, decades) to figure it out. With Husband No. 1, I re-enacted all the scenes of dominance and control I had suffered through with Dad. You can guess how that marriage turned out.
Husband No. 2 is my polar opposite. Which makes him a great role model for me. If someone is trying to push him around, or tell him what to do, he doesn't lose it. He sits down and talks with them. Calmly.
In his quiet, gentle way, he has helped me own up to my problem. With him by my side, I first realized what it was that made me so mad. I'll never forget the first time. It was about 20 years ago, so the details are sketchy but I know it was in a Sears store and I know it had to do with a vacuum we had brought in for repair. The clerk was trying to, shall we say, redirect me in some way. My response? I exploded, like a volcano.
Well, no, not like a volcano. Volcanoes smolder a long time before they blow. This was more like an earthquake -- sudden, and vicious. I started yelling at that poor Sears clerk in a way that even I couldn't believe.
Hubby just stood there, watching me, aghast. I felt sick. But it didn't stop me from yelling.
Sigh...
Eventually I learned that my husband had his own anger trigger, though. In his case, it's inanimate objects. When a hammer hits his thumb, he becomes (briefly) irate. When a mower won't start or a grocery bag spills or his glasses disappear, he takes it personally. Me? I could care less about such things. Doesn't make me mad at all.
There's also the sports problem. As I write this, he's getting very upset at a batter who just struck out in the World Series Game 2. He's standing in front of the TV, muttering curses and sighing. But that is a whole 'nother topic for another time....
Everyone has their "sore spot," I guess -- the thing that pushes their buttons. Sometimes these things are shadows from our childhood. Or phobias we've developed thanks to the stresses of adult life. Or unresolved issues that have dogged us for years.
What's yours?
Interview with fellow author Blakely Benett
10 years ago
3 comments:
I get mad whenever things don't go my way. And since that's nearly all the time, the world is quite lucky that I have a practice. Happy to have found you along the way.
What triggers my anger? Feeling betrayed or being made someone's butt boy. Betrayed by people or circumstances, take for instance tonight. The ceiling in my son's room collapsed. The roof betrayed me, the pervious owner betrayed my by doing such a crap job on the roof and the addition, my SO betrayed me by picking this house, I betrayed myself by buying into this house. None of it is rational. None of it is someone's fault except for maybe the person who did the roof work in such a screwed up way. None of it is personal, aimed at me. It all just is. My anger isn't rational or conducive to solving the problems like this that arise. Yet the anger flares up like a fire started by lightening. Like a fire, once it is lit it moves on seeking other fuel to keep itself alive, the fact that I can't fall asleep on the couch watching CNN because the boy is sleeping in his sister's room and she is out here on the couch. It tries to feed on my dissatisfaction with work, the government, the impending election, the scab in my ear. So I hop out of bed, turn on the pc, to journal my anger out so I can sleep. Here is your post. I have lanced the blister of this spot of anger.
May you find peace. May all beings find peace.
Lotta wisdom there, Karen and Adoka. Thank you for posting! You're so, so right -- anger is not rational and it moves like a wildfire seeking other fuel. I think the thing that always astounds me is that we never seem to learn that an angry response doesn't solve the issue at hand. Just makes it worse. And I always feel (afterward) like an alcoholic who's ashamed of what he did while on a bender. Adoka, I hope you get that roof fixed and your rightful spot on the couch back!
Peace to all beings ... yes.
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