600 now

Last night, I reached the 600 mark. I've folded 600 paper cranes, in 60 days!

This morning I taught meditation at the local UU church.

And my sinuses are at rest, for the first time in a long time.

Feeling peaceful.

If we were angry a moment ago...

More words of Buddhist wisdom, this time courtesy of Ayya Khema, author and founder of Nuns Island:


November 29, 2008
Tricycle's Daily Dharma

Rebirth

"...We need not think of rebirth only in a future life. We are in actual fact reborn every moment with new thoughts and feelings, and we bring with us the karma that we made in the past moments. If we were angry a moment ago, we are not going to feel good immediately. If we were loving a moment ago, we would be feeling fine now. Thus we live moment to moment with the results of our karma."

--Ayya Khema, "When the Iron Eagle Flies"

The challenge of the holidays

I must confess: I've lost it 2 or 3 times so far this holiday weekend. I am not the serene being I aspire to be -- STILL. A work in progress, indeed.

The only thing I can say in my defense is that I do seem to be "catching" the anger a little sooner. I definitely notice it arising (as opposed to not noticing, until I'm in full rage mode). And I definitely see its causes. 99.9% of the time it's around an issue of control (see earlier post on that subject). My "special someone" is here in the house all weekend and that ups the ante, in terms of potential blow-ups. My challenge is right in my face all the time, so to speak.

A lot of us deal with this during the holidays. Families gather and instead of Norman Rockwell, we have sparks flying. The great irony of getting together with people we love!

It takes an enormous amount of self-awareness to see yourself barreling down the runway toward an anger attack, and put the brakes on. Sometimes this weekend, I have not been successful. But at least a couple of times I was successful. Yea! I need to remember that, and be grateful for those small victories.

Tooth abcess = sinus infection = anger?

I haven't posted in several days, and here's why: I went to a new dentist, found out I had gum disease (oh, great!), discussed with him my ongoing sinus problems and a couple of days later, found myself in his chair having a tooth extracted. That was yesterday. Once the tooth was out, he found it was horribly infected and had abcessed into the floor of the sinus cavity.

Long story short, I have been carrying around chronic infection in my body for several years. I feel so much better today -- both physically and mentally -- that I'm wondering how much this has had to do with my general crabbiness. I know I haven't felt well for a looooong time. I had been to several dentists and ENTs, trying to find someone who'd connect the dots between my dental and sinus problems. I always suspected they were related. And evidently they were.

Maybe it's just the huge relief over maybe, finally, finding a solution to this -- but I swear I have felt significantly calmer and clearer in the last 24 hours.

Hope it's going to last.

The halfway mark!

Here they are, all 500 of them, with the little human who, minutes before this picture was snapped, told me I was "making good progress" in controlling my anger. Out of the mouths of babes....

Day 50

Today is Day 50 of this 100-day experiment in senbazuru. And before the clock strikes midnight (in just a few minutes), I'm going to create my 10 paper cranes of the day. The last one will be No. 500.

Part of me can't believe this. I've made 500 cranes. I am halfway to my goal of 1,000.

Is it working? Am I less prone to anger? Have I found some measure of peace? Perhaps. Yes. Maybe. The truth is, this is a work in progress. I know I won't be magically rid of my anger, the moment I finish that 1,000th crane. Instead, I have to build peace as I go. While I fold colored squares of origami paper, I'm thinking about anger and the damage it causes, the walls it builds between me and others, how it puts peace continually just out of my reach.

This much is true: I am more thoughtful about my anger now, more aware of when it flares up, more remorseful afterwards. Small progress, but significant.

Today, when that special someone did "something" and I felt little hot flames of anger start to lick at my heels, I stopped. I smiled. Then I put my palms together and bowed in thanks. Thanking her for being a teacher to me, for giving me a chance to practice this all-important practice.

Yes, I admit, it felt fake. I was forcing myself to smile and bow. But here's the thing: After I bowed, I waited. I knew the anger was going to come roaring in, as usual. And ... it didn't. There was just a little pause -- empty space -- after the bow. And then I went back to what I had been doing before. Calm. No anger. It felt really, really good.

Tomorrow I'll post a photo of my 500 peace cranes.

Self-consuming fire

Last night, the temperature dipped into the 30s for the first time this season -- a lovely, chilly fall night -- so we fired up the fire-pit table on our back porch. I pulled a chair close and sat there, watching the fire, for a long time.

I've always loved fire -- its warmth, the crackling, the musky smell of smoke, the mesmerizing effect of watching the flames. Somehow it quiets my soul. But until now (a period when I'm thinking a lot about anger), I never paid attention to how fire consumes itself.

We put a medium-sized log in the fire pit and before long, it was engulfed in flame. Awhile after that, its shape began to change. It got smaller and smaller until -- of course -- it was only a bed of glowing-red embers. And the flames were gone.

This is nothing new, the metaphor of anger as fire. But somehow I never really "got" it until now. I watched that little fire do its work of destruction and I couldn't help but think of my anger, consuming everything that feeds it. Leaving nothing but a cold pile of ashes. And afterwards, the inevitable clean-up.

Even worse, fire tends to spring up again. And again. It finds new fuel. Exhausted firemen in California put out one wildfire, only to have another spring up nearby.

What's the answer? How to prevent fire, or anger, from breaking out? I don't quite know yet.

That's why I keep folding these paper cranes, day after day. Almost at 500, by the way ... halfway to senbazuru.

Helpful enemies

For those of us who have a "special person" in our life who pushes our anger button:

November 12, 2008
Tricycle's Daily Dharma

Helpful Enemies

As Shantideva says, there are many beings to whom one can make charity, but there are very few beings with respect to whom one can practice patience, and what is more rare is more valuable. An enemy is really most kind. Through cultivating patience one's power of merit increases, and the practice of patience can only be done in dependence upon an enemy. For this reason, enemies are the main instigators of the increase of meritorious power. An enemy is not someone who prevents the practice of religion but someone who helps practice.

-The Dalai Lama, The Meaning of Life from a Buddhist Perspective

from Everyday Mind, edited by Jean Smith, a Tricycle book

Candidates as cranes

Here they are, red and blue, on Election Eve 2008. Which one will win tomorrow?

The one with peace in his heart.