Day 50

Today is Day 50 of this 100-day experiment in senbazuru. And before the clock strikes midnight (in just a few minutes), I'm going to create my 10 paper cranes of the day. The last one will be No. 500.

Part of me can't believe this. I've made 500 cranes. I am halfway to my goal of 1,000.

Is it working? Am I less prone to anger? Have I found some measure of peace? Perhaps. Yes. Maybe. The truth is, this is a work in progress. I know I won't be magically rid of my anger, the moment I finish that 1,000th crane. Instead, I have to build peace as I go. While I fold colored squares of origami paper, I'm thinking about anger and the damage it causes, the walls it builds between me and others, how it puts peace continually just out of my reach.

This much is true: I am more thoughtful about my anger now, more aware of when it flares up, more remorseful afterwards. Small progress, but significant.

Today, when that special someone did "something" and I felt little hot flames of anger start to lick at my heels, I stopped. I smiled. Then I put my palms together and bowed in thanks. Thanking her for being a teacher to me, for giving me a chance to practice this all-important practice.

Yes, I admit, it felt fake. I was forcing myself to smile and bow. But here's the thing: After I bowed, I waited. I knew the anger was going to come roaring in, as usual. And ... it didn't. There was just a little pause -- empty space -- after the bow. And then I went back to what I had been doing before. Calm. No anger. It felt really, really good.

Tomorrow I'll post a photo of my 500 peace cranes.